I can't stop seeing your face ;; nick

[megan]

What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to go one after losing Isaac? School was about to start back up again and she wasn’t sure she wanted to go back. She had been toying with the idea of quitting and dropping out and getting a full time job so that Isaac and his brains could make it to college. Then days later, her hot-headed brother got in the gang war at school, where guns were drawn and lives were taken from both sides. She and her Grandmother didn’t have enough to pay for a funeral, so Isaac was cremated and his ashes were poured over the edge of this very place, the cliff.

Jules and her brother had always come to this spot to get away from the house with Grams was drunk and acting the fool. Jules was older and not much wiser, but she hated for Isaac to see Grams that way. There was only two years between them in age, and she didn’t know what she was going to do now, with out him. She knew this particular spot was used for other things at night, when teens came up here to be alone with each other in their cars. But right now at this moment, in the middle of the day, it was her only place with good and peaceful memories with her baby brother.

She sat back on a rock pile and pulled her knees to her chest. This was the only place the let the tears fall lately. At home she had to put on a front, to be strong for herself and be the breadwinner of the household. This being a position she didn’t want, but had no choice but to take. Her grandmother was too drunk to care. She hated being alone, but she would rather be alone up here, on top of the world, than down there, in a world of pure hatred between the east and west siders. If anyone messed with her once school started, it would be world war three, she was ready to get back and to kick some east sider ass for what the did to her brother!

[NICKOLAS JAMES REDMAN]

<sup>Nick made his way up to the cliff. He was cursing under his breath every five seconds. Hed woken up in a fowl mood. His dad had left to go find his brother, but really what the hell. The least he could have done was discussed this with him before hand, but instead no he had to wake up to find a note on the fridge with the bank account number in case he needed any money as if they had a whole lot to begin with, but at least he had a way to pay the bills while he was gone. Jesus christ!

On top of that he burnt his damn toast, well what the hell he was not suppose to cook. Hell he would burn water if he tried boiling it. Okay well no that was a lie. His mother had taught both him and his brother how to make speguetti and you can think thats simple, but this was the family secret recipe. The noodles were nothing, but it all came down to the sauce and he was pretty good at it. His brother was far better but he was decent.

Nick made his way up the cliff and some how managed to stub his toe. He let out a long string of curses and pulled his gun out shooting at the rock. Nick had been thrown into jail a couple times on account of his reckless behavior and posession of a gun, but either his brother or his dad would bail him out and he would just do it all over again. He never shot anyone, he just had a thing for guns, he always had one on him and the one in his hand had been his brothers. He had given it to him before he left a couple years ago. It was like his prized posession and whenever anyone touched it or took it away from him he would flip out.

As he got up to the cliff he noticed a girl up there. Well what the fuck.he scowled throwing his arms up. Hed already replaced the gun back into his back pocket. Jesus christ can I not get any kind of fucking peace. Oh wait no if Just go fucking home I could, but who the fuck wants to sit at home when they can be outside. What the hell seriously... of all places did you have to fucking choose this place? he went on. Nick was as hot tempered as they came. He could go off the handle about the littlest thing and he was known for being quiet immature about some things.

It wasnt until he actually took in her appearence that he stopped. Oh shit.. Jules.. fuck didnt see it was you" he said. He ran a hand over the back of his neck. Hed been friends with her brother and hed been really pissed off the day he died, hell hed been there and seen it happen. HE didnt go to his funeral though, he wasnt good with that kind of stuff. He knew his ashes had been thrown up here and he glanced around then back up at her. Am I interrupting?" he asked. For as much of a hot head he could also be sweet in a nick kind of way. He really was kind of like a little boy in a big boy body.</sup>

[megan]

Jules heard the gun shot from down the hill... her heart sped up in her chest, not sure of what she should do. She was sure it was no east siders, they never came up here, but if it was a pissed off west sider, she could still be in trouble. She had stood up from the rocks and moved over to the side, to peek through some trees. When she saw that it was Nick coming up the path, she shrugged and understood the random shot and went back to sitting and sulking. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she tried to prepare for his arrival.

She wasn't prepared for him to go off on her, or on anyone for that matter. She had slowly turned to see him once he got within earshot and heard him cussing up a storm about not having peace and alone time. Nick had been there that day, and tried his damnedest to protect Isaac, but that just didn't happen. It wasn't like Jules blamed Nick for what happened, but since Isaac died, she hasn't really talked to anyone in the gang about it.

When he asked if he was interrupting something she just shrugged her shoulders, and staring into his eyes said No, But I guess I am. Referring to his shot he fired and going off on her about being up here. She stood up and started to walk past him. Space is all yours Nick. I was just leaving. She wasn't sure how to act around him now-a-days. The gang and everything would be so different now with so many members of the gang and beloved family members gone and never to return again.

[NICKOLAS JAMES REDMAN]

<sup>Nick felt like a complete ass. His brother was always telling him he needed to shut up and think before he opened his mouth, but as always nick only heard half if anything of what was said. As she moved passed him he caught her arm and shook his head. Hey.. he said. dont be like that. he turned her. He was my best friend.. he frowned and dropped his head. He did blame himself. He was there, he saw it happen and he couldnt do anything to stop it. Nick was always like that, always blaming himself for things that he couldnt control but thought he could just because he was there. IT didnt matter though Isaac had been his best friend and the worst part was he was pretty sure the bullet had been meant for him. It had all happened so fast and he and Isaac had been right beside each other. The last he heard was Isaac calling his name and the next thing he knew he was down.

Nick dropped his hand. Im sorry... he said. About your brother... about everything. he brought a hand up and rubbed the back of his neck. If anyone should be up here its you, so dont walk away just because Im here. he stepped back from her. You know.. he tilted his head looking at her. You shouldnt lock yourself away. he told her. He was such a hypocrit. He was your brother, but we're still here for you ya know. he told her. At least I am.. he shrugged again.

Nick put his hands in his pockets. He wasnt sure what she was going to do. Whether it was to tell him to fuck off or that he was right or not anything, but at least he said something to her. no one yet had the balls to go talk to her, saying she needed to mourn, but who wanted to be alone. Granted hed do the same thing and sort of had been, but Isaac hadnt been his brother... at least his blood brother. Hed been his best friend and theyd been like brothers especially since his own had left. In fact Nick had been the one to get them in a crap ton of trouble all the time, something that usually had Juliana bitching at him. Shed even told him hed get her brother killed one of these days. Hed just laughed it off and asked her if she had ever heard the phrase, boys will be boys.

Now that was all coming back to bite him in the ass. Nick remembered that night clearly, it ate him up at night, hell he barely slept. Hed been there with Josh, another that had been killed. Josh usually went along with Nick whenever things happened and Nick would follow along with JOsh if he started it. This time neither had started it, but neither had stopped it either. They never could once it was started they never backed down merely fueled the fire. When the east siders came and started shit you can believe they were right there. Isaac had told Nick to walk away, asked the others to as well but no one was listening. Isaac was the intellect the one that gave them strategy. They were the braun with no brains... well or at least the ones that were fight or... fight no thoughts.

No one knew the true story and neither nick or the other person that had survived would talk about it. The other kid was in a coma anyway and nick. Well hed gotten grazed along his scalp by a bullet and had gotten beaten up, but he was still here. Isaac wasnt. If he could choose he would take his place. His dream was to go out in a blaze of glory, isaac stole it.


((OOC: um.. is that okay? the background i put in there. If not i can so change it. I didnt think about it till i was done so you let me know lol i dont wanna make any decisions your not cool with))</sup>

[megan]

ooc- sounds good to me, really love it! love your creativity as well. your such a fantastic writer! haha i think maybe these two could love and hate one another as the days roll by. maybe later on jules can get in a fight at school with someone and she's about to get her ass handed to her on a platter, and nick breaks them up, pulls her out of it...they fight she hates him and then one day realizes she's fallen for him...idk just a thought.

He'd grabbed her arm to stop her and the only thing she could think of was 'get your murderous hands off me.' She remembered the last time she fought with Nick about fighting with Isaac around. She was always looking out for Isaac and Nick was always getting him in to trouble. Nick had brought him home late one night, Jules had stayed up to wait on him after work. She told Issac to go to his room at the back of the house and her hand on Nick's chest, she pushed him backwards back out the door to the front of the house. Yelling at him she scoulded him, talking about how he was going to get her baby brother killed one day and that he needed to stop bringing Isaac along and stop using him for his smarts. That was the night she had slapped him. But nothing had changed, and had she of known that Isaac was there that day, the fateful day when all hell broke loose, she would have blamed Nick for it. Him and Josh.

And she did. To this day, in her mind she blamed Nick. But she didn't want to tell him that. But at the moment he started to talk to her, all her adrenline that she had built up broke out of her thin body. Don't you dare tell me he was your BEST FRIEND. She raised her voice. He was my fucking brother Nick, does that mean anything to you? She shook her head, answering the question she asked with in her own mind. I warned you...I knew this was going to happen and you didn't listen to me...It's all YOUR fault. There, she'd said it. Said the words she had been wanting to say for weeks.

She'd been there. That night. She was there, messing around with the other girls, talking shit back and forth but the girls weren't near where the guys were. She didn't see what happened, but she knew in her heart that Isaac would not have been there had it not been on Nick and Josh to use his brain for strategy. She revved herself up again to yell, emerging from her thoughts. I can't believe you would even think about letting him go with your guys, with us to meet up with the easters. You know how dangerous they are Nick. I don't know how I can ever forgive you. She didn't yell that time, the tears were coming again and taking over her emotions. She covered her eyes with the palms of her hands, and sank to her knees on the ground. She couldn't bare to think about that night again, the thoughts brought back so much emotion and she lost it every time. That is why she was never at home, why she always came to the cliff. She looked up to him, tears still welling in her eyes, If you guys really cared, you should have said something to me weeks ago Nick. It's too late now. She helped herself get up from the ground and she stood there, staring at him. A scowl on her face.

[NICKOLAS JAMES REDMAN]

<sup>[OOC: *colors* thanks... But seriously so are you lol. Im not just sayin ya know. Why else would I like rping with you besides your awsomeness!. . But yeah no that sounds cool! I can totally dig that .}

Nicks body snapped up straight as she started in on him. He stood unblinking looking at her as she lit into him telling accusing him, bringing out the thoughts that were in his head. He knew he was to blame, he knew it, but she had no right to tell him that Isaac had only been a pawn to them. The brains they needed. Maybe to some of the others, but he had been his best friend. She never seemed to get that, always thinking Nick was using him.

She didnt know but Isaac liked being part of the crowd, liked being with them. Hed actually told him not to come that night, but he wanted to. He hated sitting in the back always being the brains. Josh encouraged him too and even through all his cursing and threatening, whenever Isaac gave him that look of his, how the hell was he suppose to say no. It just wasnt possible. Isaac had been like a little puppy to Nick. Kind of like Johnny cade was to Dallas Winston in The Outsiders, but at the same time not.

Nicks fists clenched at his side. Dont say that. his voice was level but at a scary quiet level. He was my best friend and you dont know. He wanted to be there. You were always suffocating him, treating him like a little kid and he just wanted to be part of it. Why do you think he let the guys use him. It was the only way for him to be part of it. he shook his head Dont you dare fucking try to put to shit a friendship you refused to see.

He looked down at her as she dropped to her knees, tears filling her beautiful eyes. He looked away. She hated him so much... Nick couldnt say anything, he didnt even go to Isaacs funeral because the last memory he had of him was Isaac bleeding to death in his arms as gun shots rang out around him. He couldnt go and see him, couldnt get the images from his head. He only talked to josh and a few of the others because they were dickwads and barged into his house to get something to eat and drink his dads alcohol. But She was different. She was Isaacs Sister and they had resemebled each other a little bit, something nick had noticed watching the two. How could he face that. He shook his head, and said nothing.</sup>

[megan]

All she could do was stare at him, how dare he tell her who her brother was. Who did he thinks she was? So outsider who never paid attention? She saw the influence those older boys had over her baby brother and she would be kidding herself if she let herself believe that Isaac wanted to be in the front lines when it got down to game time. She didn't know what to say to him, but she had a mind full of ideas...but at that very moment. Standing in front of him she let her emotions take over her, she had felt her arm lift up and her palm hit his face, slapping him and leaving a red hand print on his face.


She didn't expect to hit him. Shock settling on her face, and a finger pointed at Nick's face she said, Don't you tell me what to believe Nickolas Redman. You didn't know him like I did. You didn't know that everynight after midnight he cried himself to sleep because he didn't feel accepted in our gang. You didn't know that when I work Isaac had to feed, bathe and change Grams's diapers. You didn't know how much I loved him. He was my brother, but more than that, he was my best friend. So don't you tell me what to believe, he was just a kid dammit. A KID!

She let her hand drop, tears still streaming on her face, she wanted to hit him again, wanted to hurt him for what he took from her, wanted to get back at him. But she couldn't let herself do that. She just let her hands fall to her side ands he stood there and cried like a baby. She walked over and sat back down on a pile of rocks and looked up at him, I'm sorry Nick. I shouldn't take this out on you. She was feeling bad for blaming him, feeling bad for yelling. I wanted to get revenge on someone, you are the first one to talk to me since, well you know. She put her hands to her face and her elbows on her knees. She wanted to continue to hide from the whole world. She hated herself for getting her brother involved with her friends at all. It's all my fault, she said.

[NICKOLAS JAMES REDMAN]

<sup>Nick stopped. She was right. He was her brother, he would get no where explaining anything to her because he had no right either. He dropped his head and licked his lips before looking back over at her again. She was crying, her eyes red and her cheeks soaked from them. He shouldnt be arguing with her, he should be comforting her, its what she needed.

He moved but then she moved to the rocks and he bit his lip. As she appologized to him he nodded and shrugged. hey whatever.. I deserved it he said. You were right... always are. he sighed and moved over to her and sat down beside her pullng her against his side. he turned a bit so she could be more on his chest in stead, his arms moved around her waist. Im sorry.. he sighed, rubbing her back. I wish... I wish i could take it all back. he said.

Nick had never known how much it hurt Isaac. It was just.. he wasnt right for the gang. At least he was part of it. Nick had known he wasnt, he just didnt fit and this only proved it. Their friendship went beyond the gang and thats why Nick tried to protect him, but his word was overruled whenever josh was around. Josh had never cared, he lived to fight and didnt care who got hurt in the midst.</sup>

[megan]

No, Nick that's where you are wrong. You didn't deserve it. I know it wasn't your fault, all this that happened... she let herself sigh. I know it was Josh who was kind in in charge. I know what it's like when he tells you to do something, you just do it. No questions asked. She looked up to Nick, who now had a hand on her back and was letting her lean on him. This was actually a comfortable position, she had never been comforted like this before, except by Isaac.

Can I be honest with you Nick? she asked. Hoping he didn't mind that she was about to spill her guts to him. I was always glad you were around to help protect Isaac. I know you cared about him to. But please don't blame yourself for his death, neither of us need to live with that quilt. She let herself look up at him again, and meet his gaze. She knew deep down that he too was blaming himself for this. And she knew she was right, they both needed to stop blaming themselves and blame Isaac. It's his fault for going and not staying away, even though he knew the dangers involved.

[NICKOLAS JAMES REDMAN]

<sup>NIck shrugged. He couldnt help but think he could have stopped it. Even if her words about josh were true... he could have done something.. there just could have been another way. He hated how he got into a one track mind and didnt stop to think. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair and then shrugged a bit. Nick just continued to rub her back, glad that she seemed to be calming down.

Hmm..?he looked down at her when she asked if she could be honest. AS she explained that they n eeded to stop blaming themselves he stopped listening. He didnt want to hear it, didnt want to think any other way because why push the blame on someone else. He needed to own up to it. He turned his head and let his cheek rest on the top of her head. Shhh..he said. You're right. You need to stop blaming yourself. Only then can you move on...a nd its not like you have to move on.. just... get out of the funk.he said. Nick was not the best with words, but he figured that was pretty good. He meant it though, she needed to get out of her funk Isaac wouldnt have liked it he added.</sup>

[megan]

I know, you’re right. He would be so embarrassed of the way I have acted towards you guys…he would hate me if here were here. And at that particular moment she let herself smile at the thought of him being made at her. She was blaming herself for his death and to her, that thought was humorous. Then she moved her head and turned to look at Nick, You need to stop blaming yourself too. It’s not your fault Nick. She half smiled at him, waiting for a reaction, or an argument.

She let herself rest against him and for the first time in a long time, let herself enjoy being in a man’s arms. Well, at least a boy. She didn’t know if she would consider any of her guy friends “men”. She sat back against him, letting her arm reach around his chest and hold him back. Then she did something she didn’t expect of her own self, she kissed his chin. Just at his jaw-line, she kissed him lightly while she didn’t see him looking at her. She pulled back, and wasn’t sure what to expect from him…was he going to be upset? Was he going to happy? Was he going to be horny? She had never been “intimate” with any of the guys in the gang. She treated them all like brothers, not boyfriends. She didn’t know how he would react to her, of maybe they could just forget it ever happened. That was when she apologized. Sorry.

[NICKOLAS JAMES REDMAN]

<sup>Nick frowned and shook his head. Dont say that. He wouldnt hate you. Im sure he would understand. Isaac always understood. he sighed and then fell silent. He merely nodded at her. He would let her think he would do that, but he doubted he could not yet anyway. Alright. he said. He just wanted to make her feel better and arguing was not the way to go.

She leaned against him finally, fully and he sighed inwardly, glad she was taking his comfort. He closed his eyes a bit. Im sorry Is. So sorry.. he was lost in his thoughts that when she brushed her lips on his chin his eyes snapped open and he glanced at her. His brow rose and he gave her a confused look. What was that for? he asked ignoring her apology. He wondered briefly if she was just vulnerable and wanted that kind of comfort. Girls did that... if that was the case well he was gong to have to turn her down and he knew shed probably get pissed at htat. But seriously would he rather her thank him later for turning her down or like hate him later for taking advantage... not a tough choice there.</sup>

[megan]

Kissing Nick had never been an option before. She had NEVER thought about him that way and she didn't know what had urged her to kiss him now. She felt confused, not sure what to do. She had already done it and made a fool out of herself. Now she didn't know what to say to him, she had already apologized and he didn't even acknowledge it. I honestly don't know what came over me, she said, standing up, and getting a few feet away from him. She needed to put space between them before she did anything else stupid. I can't believe, God...I am so embarrassed. She turned away from him and didn't even want to look at him again she was so disgusted with herself. What was she doing throwing herself at someone who was her brother's friend, her friend and a member of the gang. To her that just doesn't happen. Of course he looked good, she would never deny that, but to date him, let alone sleep with him? She'd considered him off limits.


She turned again to look at him and said it again, I am so sorry. Why was she apologizing? She didn't really know but she had done it profusley lately. To her Grams, to Nick, to anyone at work. It's like she was apologizing for being upset, for mourning the loss of her brother. Was that how it was supposed to be? She didn't know what else to say to him, she lifted her arms as if to shrug, and say 'i don't know' with her body language. She didn't understand what had come over her. She sure as hell didn't know how to explain it to him.